Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Randomize
