never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
