i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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