Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
