I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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