Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
