I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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