You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
