get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
