I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
