I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
