I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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