Soap is not a condiment
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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