can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
