thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
