The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
