you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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