I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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