I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
