I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
