i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Girls should come with a carfax report
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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