shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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