Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
