So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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