Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Congratulations! We have a period
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
