My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize