very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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