I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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