I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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