You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
