matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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