dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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