I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
