This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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