Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think your dad took our porno
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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