remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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