Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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