I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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