So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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