Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
