Got a toothbrush?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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