I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
