I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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