i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize