go do what you do best...puke behind churches
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
did i walk over a car last night?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
