Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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