I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize