i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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