I'm drive I can fine osifer
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
