um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
