Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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