Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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