Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
