call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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