I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
