I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize