The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
did i walk over a car last night?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
