everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
