chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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